Have you ever tried to discuss something that happened with someone, completely confident you remembered it correctly, only to walk away wondering whether your memory was wrong?
Maybe you were certain they said something hurtful. Maybe you clearly remember a promise they made. Maybe you remember an event unfolding one way, but by the end of the conversation you’re thinking, “Maybe I’m remembering it incorrectly.”
If that pattern keeps repeating itself, it doesn’t necessarily mean your memory is failing. It may mean you’re dealing with someone who has become very skilled at making you question your own perceptions.
One of the biggest misconceptions people have is that memory works like a video recording. It doesn’t. Memory is surprisingly flexible. Every time we recall an event, we reconstruct it. We remember some details vividly, forget others, and sometimes fill in gaps without realizing it. Under normal circumstances, this isn’t much of a problem because the people around us generally remember events in similar ways.
The problem arises when you’re dealing with someone who consistently challenges your version of reality. Over time, these conversations begin to erode your confidence. You may hear things like:
- “I never said that.”
- “You’re too sensitive.”
- “That’s not what happened.”
- “You’re imagining things.”
- “You always overreact.”
Notice what has happened. Instead of discussing the original issue, the conversation shifts to your memory, your perception, or your emotional stability. Suddenly you’re no longer talking about what happened. You’re defending your ability to know what happened.
Manipulative people don’t always convince you they’re right. Often, they simply make you uncertain enough that you stop trusting yourself. They may deny parts of the conversation while acknowledging others, introduce unrelated examples from months ago, repeatedly change the subject, or express complete confidence while you’re trying to be fair and objective. Before long, you’re trying to keep track of several different arguments at once.
Many people eventually give up, not because they’ve become convinced the other person is right, but because they’re mentally exhausted. One of the most common things I hear from people seeking consultation is, “I don’t trust my own judgment anymore.” That may be one of the most damaging consequences of a manipulative relationship. Gradually, you stop asking, “Is this true?” and begin asking, “Maybe I’m the problem.”
If this sounds familiar, there are a few things that can help. Slow the conversation down and stay focused on one issue at a time. If the discussion begins bouncing from topic to topic, gently bring it back by saying something as simple as, “Let’s finish talking about this before we move on.”
It can also be helpful to write down important conversations soon after they occur. The goal isn’t to build a case against someone. It’s simply to preserve your own thinking while it’s still fresh.
Most importantly, ask yourself one question:
What actual evidence caused me to change my mind?
Did you learn new information that genuinely changed your understanding, or did you simply become confused after thirty minutes of circular arguing?
Those are very different experiences. Changing your mind because new evidence emerged is healthy. Changing your mind because someone repeatedly caused you to question your own reality is something else entirely.
If you find yourself doubting your own judgment after nearly every difficult conversation, don’t automatically assume the problem is your memory. Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do is begin trusting your own observations again.
All of this and more is covered in my book, “When They Won’t Change” available on Amazon.
Check out my free online guide on narcissistic relationships.